By Dr Bunmi Aboaba, founder of The Sober Advantage .
What do the phrases “Is there any vodka in that coke?” and “Not another one?!” have in common? They’re two types of things you shouldn’t say to someone when they’re trying to quit drinking.
The biggest way you can help someone try to kick booze is to help yourself first. By this, I mean educate yourself on what not to say and do. In other words, don’t be that idiot friend!
Here’s a few of my best tips on how to make it easier for your friend, partner or relative who wants to stop drinking.
1. Don’t say “but you’re not an alcoholic”
Sure, they might not be pounding shots at 7am just to get through the day, but just because they weren’t drinking 24/7 it doesn’t mean they didn’t have an alcohol problem. There are many different forms of alcoholism from alcohol dependency where they need to continuously drink just to cope with the waking hours to alcohol abuse where it’s a case of not drinking for long periods of time then when they do drink it’s like they can’t stop. It’s always a good idea to keep in mind that alcoholism is a spectrum.
2. Offer to do fun stuff with them that doesn’t involve alcohol
Don’t be that person where the only time they’ll see you is if you both go to a bar or the meet-up always seems to include alcohol. There’s so much to see and do in this world – so why not see and do them with your friend, partner or relative? I’m talking art galleries, museums, theatre, crazy golf, zorbing, paintballing – the list really is endless. Your friend or partner is guaranteed to love you for not taking them down your local and exposing them to the temptations of their favourite alcoholic drink or awkwardly having to be sober around drunk people.
3. Avoid being judgy
There’s a lot of truth in the phrase “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” – especially when it comes to supporting a recovering alcoholic and especially if you’ve never been in their shoes. Avoid shaming them or judging them – they’re doing the best they can and the fact they realised they have a problem with alcohol is highly respectable in itself! Shaming someone with a drinking problem can actually make them turn to alcohol to soothe their self-esteem.
4. Be their ‘go-to’ friend to talk to
Your friend is going through something tough and life-changing and the chances are they will need someone to talk to and express their feelings. In fact, you should actively encourage them to let it all out – keeping it in can only cause further damage.
5. Don’t try to save them
By all means, be there for them when they need you but remember to look after yourself too. Don’t try to ‘save’ them – as that’s a big sign of a codependent relationship…which is an addiction in itself. Instead, remember to take time out for yourself too. This isn’t entirely selfish because it means you’ll be a better friend, relative or partner seeing as you’ll have more energy. Remember – you can’t change a loved one, but you can sure as hell give them some much-needed love and support.
6. Don’t be an enabler
An enabler is someone who says or does things that somehow allows the other person to carry on with their bad habits or behaviour. This means you can’t make excuses for them. It’ll only end up with them taking advantage of you and continuing down the road back to alcohol. For example, don’t go out and buy them beer, don’t tell them to “just have one drink” and don’t convince them they don’t have a problem.
7. Don’t feel sorry for them
There’s a lot of good reasons as to why people don’t drink – and your loved one also has their personal reasons. By not drinking alcohol they’ve opened up a whole world of benefits such as better sleep, being a better friend or partner, being more productive, feeling more level-headed and much more… so, to be honest, there isn’t a lot to feel sorry for!
8. Avoid giving them non-alcoholic beer
If you’re hosting a party, then you might think you’re being considerate by buying non-alcoholic beer for your friend. Most people aren’t just addicted to the taste of alcohol, but the psychological effects it has. It’s best to avoid non-alcoholic beer as this could trigger the need for alcoholic drinks. People who are trying to quit drink would be just as happy with an ice-cold coke!
Dr Bunmi Aboaba a sobriety companion and coach is founder of the Sober Advantage. She is dedicated to helping professionals overcome drinking problems. Her combination of holistic therapies is used to prepare a bespoke plan designed to fit around busy schedules. Bunmi helps people battling a variety of addictions to get control of their lives and beat their addiction – for good. Bunmi uses a variety of techniques to help her clients, all of which she has used herself to help her gain her sobriety and remain sober for 10 years.
See: www.thesoberadvantage.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/bunmiaboaba/
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