The magic that happens at MindOut is when people get the space and the support they’ve been waiting for, somewhere they can share some of the hard work of living with mental health issues.
NINETY per-cent of our service users live or work in Brighton and the surrounding area, but some come from further afield, places where the services we have in Brighton are non-existent, or not accessible for other reasons.
Bandu lives in London where they’ve been for the last 20 years. For Bandu, gender and sexuality have always been the cause of great inner turmoil. Over the years they’ve experienced periods of self-hatred and shame, sometimes so severe that they wanted to die. Thinking about suicide and planning suicide often replaced thoughts about their identity, about how to ‘come out’, about how to tell their friends, about how to tell their family. They couldn’t face the fear and shame, and it was easier and a relief to think about how to end it all.
For Bandu, self-care was very hard to do, they just couldn’t find a way to like themselves and they felt worthless, a sense of happiness or pride seemed so far out of reach. They knew they were not straight, not in the conventional sense, as this was muddled with their gender identity and their appearance. How they appeared to the rest of the world and what they were compelled to identify as was not who they were. The confusion, the not fitting in and the isolation were beyond painful.
Finding mental health support or any community support in London was difficult and Bandu feared meeting anyone they knew. They tried talking to a doctor, but the look of impatience in the doctor’s eyes made Bandu feel worthless, they couldn’t speak about their distress to a stranger, a professional.
Bandu had friends and family from Tanzania who were lovely, kind and generous people. But sharing thoughts about suicide or gender identity or sexuality wasn’t a possibility and they knew they’d never talk about it. Bandu felt guilty for keeping secrets and guilty for having problems when they had been given so much help from their friends and their family.
Bandu tried to meet other LGBT+ people, but mostly didn’t feel safe as a queer black person. They often felt even more misunderstood and excluded. It seemed that all efforts to connect with people left Bandu feeling more isolated and alone.
Bandu had visited Brighton with their parents as a teenager. They remember enjoying the beach and the sunshine. They also remembered negative comments made by their father about alcohol and homosexuals; both felt like a warning directed to Bandu. As an adult remembering their father’s words they Googled ‘Brighton Queer Black’ and followed a link to mental health and wellbeing support offered at MindOut for LGBT+ people of colour.
The first thing Bandu found was the online support service, which has a regular session for people of colour. This was helpful as Bandu could open up about how suicidal they felt, without fear of judgement and Bandu didn’t have to make an appointment or go anywhere, the service was simply on their phone. They asked what else MindOut does and found out about a weekly peer support group for LGBT+ people of colour.
Bandu decided to try it. It was a group, and Bandu had anxieties about meeting other people but also wanted to. The group was only for people of colour and Bandu rarely (never?) had the opportunity to meet only with other queer people who were also people of colour. It was too good an opportunity to pass by. Bandu was encouraged by meeting with the facilitator before starting in the group, it helped to know how the group was run, that there were ground rules and that it was confidential.
It meant travelling to Brighton, but Bandu felt good about that, it was good to get away from London once a week, good to have a journey to make for something that was just for them. Bandu felt hopeful.
In the group, Bandu found people with similarities and with differences. At times it was painful and moving to listen to other people’s difficulties and really feel for them, at times it was hard to talk about their own experiences. After a few weeks, Bandu found that they felt more connected to the other group members, eager to hear how they were and able to share in their ups and their downs.
There were tears and there was laughter. Bandu looked forward to going.
Bandu was surprised by how much they could offer to others, how good a listener they were and how well they could encourage people to open up. Bandu is thinking about volunteering with MindOut, perhaps as a Peer Mentor, perhaps on the online service, or maybe both. They would like to be useful.
Bandu is now planning to move to Brighton. They know this won’t be easy as their work is in London. They know they remain far from at peace with their identity and their sexuality. They still can’t imagine being out to their family but they do feel less suicidal, less desperate and less despairing. They feel they’ve changed for the better and at times they don’t feel so alone. Bandu is pleased that they’re asking for and receiving support within their own community. Bandu knows there is support for them and that makes a world of difference.
MindOut INFO
MindOut offer advice and information, advocacy, peer support group work, peer mentoring, suicide prevention, low-cost counselling and online support. All our services are confidential, non-judgemental and independent.
For more info:
• call 01273 234839
• email us on info@mindout.org.uk
• online at: www.mindout.org.uk where you’ll find opening times for our online service.
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