OPINION: Craig’s Thoughts – Everything’s Fine. Or Nothing To See Here.

Former contestants and winners are now touring the world and pulling in audiences by the thousand but, despite in some cases West End theatre ticket prices, are we getting what we pay for?

Two friends, whose opinions I trust, both and independently of one another went to see one of the most famous winners at her UK shows in 2017. They came away disappointed, not that the show was terrible, but that it wasn’t as good as expected.

Material only engaged when referring to the TV show and the remainder seeming a little squeezed out over twice as long as it needed to be.

However, perhaps I can no longer trust the reviews of my nearest and dearest as said drag queen has since made two films, toured the world again and has just announced a show at Wembley Arena. Wembley. Where Madonna and Kylie and other such megastars play – so she must be good right?

Imagine the anticipation when one of my personal favourites, who didn’t win but came a close runner-up, announced a four-night run at the Spiegeltent as part of the Brighton Fringe Festival. The place was rammed, all four shows a sell out and a UK tour to follow. As we excitedly took our seats another friend joined us and announced this as his second viewing having loved the show so much two nights previous.

It wasn’t a terrible show. She looked amazing throughout, as she had on Drag Race, and a recently triumphant appearance on a well-known reality TV show, but in all it was a dull experience. The jokes heavily scripted and falling a little flat, the singing was competent but thin for the Whitney-style power ballads, and the overall structure needed to be explained throughout. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t very good, in short, it wasn’t good enough.

It should be noted, however, that like my friends I clearly don’t now what I’m talking about. As the performance came to a close the entire place erupted onto its feet, an ovation that the stewards had to end for fear of overrunning into the next scheduled performance. They loved it. An unstoppable standing ovation in celebration of a mediocrity that has secured this particular queen a number of television contracts. Bland beige realness beamed into your living room, I can’t wait.

My fandom doesn’t stop at the Ru Paul graduates. As a 1970s four-piece obsessive, I dragged myself to see the summer sequel blockbuster to their decade old original and stage musical runaway success. Taking two small children with me ensured me that the role of responsible uncle would prevent my hurling that day’s haul of rocks from Brighton beach at the big screen. In loco parentis I have to say I was genuinely concerned for the niece and nephew. The worst fate that awaits a guardian is bored children and for the entire two hours I was certainly bored.

It isn’t a terrible film because it lacks plot, enthusiasm, joy and style as I’ve seen worse. It is, however, exceptional in its dull quality. If you’ve ever wondered what a beige cardigan would look like masquerading as the back catalogue of a multi-million selling pop music phenomenon, then enjoy this movie. The only interesting and possibly lively section is when two scenes and songs are reenacted in their entirety from the first film.

The kids, however, loved it, the cinema audience applauded, and every gay man I’ve spoken to since has appeared genuinely shocked at my assessment and spent the remainder of our encounter lavishing praise and love upon the ‘film of the year’. Trust me, it’s boring.

On the back of said film, an internationally renowned global superstar, whom I adore and admire, has recorded an entire collection of similar material. I’ve thought long and hard about these next comments as I fear I may be publicly stoned and flogged by the gay twitterati.

To read online reviews of these recordings from (mainly) gay men on a variety of social media platforms, you can expect this internationally renowned global superstar to sweep the board at the Oscars, Grammys, Brits and to trounce Adele in the sales figures charts.

Some highlights: Gay album of the year! This version of ‘One of Us’ is all you will ever need. This album is giving me life!

Wow. I can’t argue with that, if the dude says it’s giving him life then it is. I do promise you, though, if you have yet to hear it, this collection of cover versions is ‘internationally renowned global superstar does karaoke’. It lacks depth, innovation, thought and it’s really quite boring. What a missed opportunity.

I’ve tried to keep the names of specific artists out of this commentary although I’m certain you might guess them. My grandmother taught me that if you can’t think of anything nice to say then you possibly shouldn’t say it, and this analysis of these ventures isn’t intended to be mean to any individual or collection of performers. I am, though, astonished at our ability, we the audience, to expect, welcome and then celebrate this level of mediocrity across the entertainment spectrum.

It doesn’t of course stop there, take a gander through our politicians. Where are the new ideas? The progressive approaches to social change? Why do we rest upon the safety of what we know in place of looking to learn from an excited possibility? We do, of course, hold the cards, we’re just choosing not to play them. An artist will return to the rehearsal studio and try a different approach if they’re not selling tickets and we don’t need to take to social media and witch hunt a poor performer but we can remove the spectacles of delusion and state “What clothes? The Emperor is naked”. 

If it’s not good enough, then say so. If you think it is, then raise your game.