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Author: Dean Pender

Unstable Emotional Personality Disorder and Me

Posted on by Dean Pender

Dean Pender talks about his on-going battle with poor mental health and Emotional Personality Disorder.

AS I tell you my story I want you to know that incidents that happened in my life didn’t bring on my mental illness, it was already there, but it definitely contributed to it.

Growing up I was always different to other children – I was always very down, emotional and would cry and worry about almost anything.

My upbringing was great but my school years were not so good. I was bullied through out all my years at school for being feminine/gay. The name calling and physical bullying affected me so much I would hide away, stay off school and not socialise.

At the age of 15 I went to see the doctor as I couldn’t understand why I was always crying and very distressed.  The doctor prescribed me Prozac and basically left me get on with it. Mental Health wasn’t something you spoke about back then and it was rarely ever investigated.

I always wanted to be an actor and went to a performing arts college. Up on stage in front of people, I was full of confidence, but behind closed doors I lived a lonely life and always had that dark cloud hovering over me. I ended up losing that confidence and my dreams got crushed as I couldn’t be around people anymore anymore.

Like everyone life had it’s ups and many downs…..

In my own head I was always thinking way too much (and still do) – scared of life and anything happening to me or my family. I would go to sleep every nite and pray that we were all kept safe. Even now, sometimes if I feel really uptight I still do it.

As the years went by my mental health deteriorated. I started thinking people were laughing or talking about me. I told my doctor but his attitude remained the same, “here’s more medication off you go,” – basically just get on with it.

2011 was the worst year of my life. I walked around in a daze, constantly scared. It got so bad that in my head the only way out for me was to end my life! I tried, didn’t succeed and was placed in a hostel that had all walks of life in – people suffering with mental health issues, drug and alcohol abuse.

Often I would meet up with my key worker and talk about things, but I always felt embarrassed for what I was going through so I would would brush it off, but then torment myself in my head.

On July 8 I found my best friend of twenty years dead, my heart just broke. I had never had seen a dead body before, but I couldn’t leave her side until the undertakers took her, which took hours. During this period I also suffered from domestic violence and for my safety the police and council told me that the best thing to do was move out of the area.  So I moved to Brighton.

My thinking pattern changed and my depression just didn’t feel like depression. Family and friends noticed a change in me and my mum told me that some days I would just look straight through her. I felt empty, and lifeless, hated life and just wanted a way out.

I started to get manic episodes and some days I would feel like I had won the lottery. These episodes could last anything from an hour to all day. If I woke up at 4/5 in the morning I would bounce out of bed, be very energetic, speak fast and I loved going for long walks. I even felt like I could run the marathon! I would send messages to people about ideas I had in my head. Then BANG the come down would kick in – I would feel lifeless, broken and would find myself rocking while pulling my hair out thinking in my head “why me.”

At this point I was still on anti depressants and decided I had to change doctors.  In 2017 once I spoke with my new doctor about what I was going through, I got an appointment with a physiatrist who told me I was suffering from Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder! I was over the moon as for the first time I had a diagnoses, and knew it just wasn’t depression and anxiety I was suffering from.

I tried different anti psychotic medications to get the right one for me, Quetiapine, which I still take. But, once again like my 15 year old self I was left to get on with it – I felt I wouldn’t get help anywhere. The Assessment and Treatment Service at the Hove Poly Clinic told me I wasn’t ready for their services and kept putting a stop on me seeing the physiatrist. I was stuck, and still didn’t know how to control it.

Time went by, I was in and out of hospital following multiple suicide attempts and didn’t know what to do – still feeling fearful of people and life and I wouldn’t go out. I was placed in every hostel in Brighton and Hove – my life was constantly moving and I was surrounded by people who would take advantage of me to get their drugs or alcohol. I was having sleepless nights and the fear got so bad I would barricade myself in my room and very rarely left it.

This year the council housed me in temporary accommodation and now permanent (thanks to the help of the Rainbow Hub and MindOut). I felt I could start a new life but was still struggling with my EUPD, depression and anxiety.

Having found out about MindOut I was allocated an advocate and following so many suicide attempts I joined a group session there for people dealing with suicidal thoughts. In one way this was helpful, but then I would come away after listening to everyone’s problems and take them home with me, which made me feel worse so I had no choice but to reluctantly leave the group.

Today I’m now under the physiatrist again as an emergency patient. He actually listens to me and understands what I need to learn about my health issues. He has put my name down for a twenty week course at the hospital to understand my thought process and how to live with EUPD, depression and anxiety.

I know my life will always have a dark cloud hovering over it but I’m going to try and make the sun shine through. I want to make new friends, socialise more with people and get involved in local events to make a change myself as the course that I’m being put forward for has given me that bit of hope that I will be able to deal with the way it all affects me.

If your reading this story and can relate to my story please don’t ignore it like I did or accept being given loads of medication and told to get on with it.  Push and push for help…

Peace and love

INTERVIEW: Beverley Knight – A Welcome Prodigal Sister

Posted on by Dean Pender

Beverley Knight MBE recently celebrated twenty five years in music with a sold out show at London’s Royal Festival Hall.

THE event was recorded for a live album due to be released later this year ahead of a UK tour with a Brighton Centre stop on October 1. Super fan Dean Pender caught up with Bev and asked if in the mid 90’s she envisaged having such success 25 years on:

“I knew I would still be making music. What I could not have predicted was how, and in what capacity. I knew I was going to make music throughout my life but I had no idea how big it would be but I always knew that somehow, someway I would have a career, a lifetime of singing and making music. I didn’t know if I would need another job to supplement that. But as it turns out…. I never did!”

In the 90s you were vocal about your support for the LGBT communities and called out artists who included homophobic lyrics in their work. What was the reaction at the time?
“It caused immense problems. I was literally on my own. Absolutely no other black, British artist in the urban field and I make that distinction importantly – the urban field, spoke out. I was an island but I believed, as I do today, that your silence means you are complicit with homophobes and racists. I’m not here for that. There was a backlash although luckily there was no social media back then but it was terrifying. People wrote to magazines saying they were going to make sure my career was going to be over, and I received [messages] that could be construed as death threats “I know where you live” and things like that. But these were a minority, the overwhelming majority supported me. It was a minority of individuals from within my own communities who were absolutely furious with me”.

Did your career suffer?
“As a result, a lot of people who were decision makers in the music industry would distance themselves from me. It was very hard for a time as those people stood away from me but I didn’t care. I was raised to believe in standing up for what is right, even if it costs you and I still believe that now. I am proud that I had the strength to do that. Would I do it again in the age of social media? I’d like to think I would but it is difficult when you are the only one”.

Is it true that your band at the time didn’t want you to perform for gay audiences?
“Yes. It was awful. It was the band I had at the time in the beginning, in the mid 90s. I was asked to do Pride and I was so excited. My manager put it to the band then three days before the event was due to happen my manager told me that they felt they were unable to be my band in this circumstance due to their religious beliefs. Are you serious? For their religious beliefs? Well I was going to play Pride, even if they weren’t. So the band had to go it was that simple. It was stressful and I had to get a band together in lightning time but that’s how it was. Sod ‘em! (laughs).

“I won’t name those people because since then those people have seen the error of their ways and come round to being full rounded people. But if they hadn’t, I’d have shamed them! With time people grow up”.

You were awarded an MBE for your services to music and charity in 2007. Did this come as a surprise?
“I was so stunned it took me a long time to say yes. In 2007 I still thought I was very young, in my thirties and “I haven’t done anything!”. My management had a word with me and said this isn’t just about you, it’s about the people coming up behind you and those who laid the path for you. My mum and dad came to Britain not knowing what life was going to be like for them and they certainly didn’t think their daughter would go on to have the career that I’ve had. The award was as much for them and so I agreed to take the MBE.

“That day at Buckingham Palace, I had my mum, dad and my manager there. When they called my name all I could think was ‘don’t fall over, why did you wear platform heels!’ Can you imagine if I’d fallen over – the shame. When you meet The Queen, she pins the award on you and then gives you a shove as if to say – ok, go now – and you have to walk away backwards! The shoes looked good but what a mistake!”

In 2013 your career took a different turn and you moved into acting. How did that come about?
“I had acted my entire life. My first role, I was five! All the way through school I did drama and joined local amateur dramatics, but I stopped acting when the music career took off. So I feel this is a return to acting but on a professional level and I’m so proud that I was able to go back to it. I loved it being on stage and being someone else for a minute. I was the first black Grizabella in Cats in the UK. Next year there’s lots of theatre happening for me and all original roles too so keep an eye out for that.”

Dean and Beverley
Dean and Beverley

Your new tour is a tribute to Stevie Wonder and involves you and an orchestra performing some of his songs. What can we expect at your Brighton show on October 1?
“It’s going to be beautiful. I am Stevie Wonder’s ambassador for the night and I’m going to share his music. I’ll be singing all the songs that I love of his that mean something to and resonate with me. I’m tackling some of the greatest songs known to man, it will be beautiful. Two hours of his music and I’m really looking forward to it.”

And the new album?
“I have the live album coming in November which is of the anniversary show from May at the Royal Festival Hall with some new studio tracks on there. I’ve never done a live album show before and with that and the new tracks I’m really excited.”

Beverley Knight tours in October with shows including Brighton Center (1), London Palladium (8) and Bournemouth (13).

To book tickets for Brighton Centre show online, click here:

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