Jon’s Vaguely Fictional Isolation Diary Week One

March 31, 2020

Gscene columnist Jon ‘Stuff & Things’ Taylor has shared with us his Vaguely Fictional Isolation Diary

Week One- Monday 23rd March, 9.00 p.m.

So, That’s it! Boris has spoken! Lockdown is in full effect! I’ve heard from work, the shop is now shut so that’s it for me… Should get some money from the government though so that’s OK… Follow the guidelines and do my thang… I must get out the house every day… Must keep up some sort of exercise throughout this. I could take up yoga or something! For now though, I have wine, I have snacks, so yeah, could be worse!

Tuesday 24th March

Right! Because of the Lockdown and not being able to go anywhere much we have all been given the gift of time! I have so many ideas, so many projects I can get up to! It’s great! I can finally write that novel! I was up early, popped out and had my Walk Of The Day, cooked myself a healthy breakfast. I even did one of those You Tube videos with Joe Wicks leaping about being all taut and defined. Well, Joe was, I wasn’t! It’s a great start to the day…

3.00p.m. Found Murder She Wrote on some obscure channel – I’d forgotten all about it! Why would anyone want to be Jessica’s friend? Surely if you saw her coming you’d be running away from her shouting ‘Don’t you dare come near me woman!’.

I seem to have run out of biscuits. Novel word count – 57

Wednesday 25th March

Day Two of Jon’s New Regime. I feel the capital letters on that are rather essential. Did another Joe Wicks thing… he’s all very chipper isn’t he? Unnecessarily so! Starting to run low on various foody things so ventured forth into the unknown world of Isolation Supermarket Shopping. More capital letters for a Very Important Thing. Managed to get some stuff which was fine…. not everything… they still had frozen faggots so I’m happy! I’m quite liking avoiding people, seems like something I’d want to carry on doing after all this is over…

Looked up yoga for beginners…. looks kinda complicated… will ponder it.. Novel word count – 210
Thurdsay 26th March

Overslept, so combined a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch into a massive bacon sandwich overflowing with ketchup. Gave Joe ‘Look at my hair’ Wicks another go… bit of a mistake on a bacon filled stomach. Stocked up on biscuits during my Daily Exiting The House. Not much choice so had to fall back on malted milk but needs must. I’ve been thinking about all those little jobs around the flat there are to do so I’ve gotten all the paint tins from out under the stairs and thought about what I could do to improve things. Perhaps do a mural on my garden wall? I could be the new Banksy! Well, perhaps not… But still, projects a go go people!

Novel Word Count – 433

Friday 27th March

Spent the morning going through You Tube videos of nothing inparticular. Had tea and toast in bed and got crumbs everywhere. It didn’t feel particularly yogic today so gave that a swerve. Stubbed my toe on the mound of paint tins in the hallway. Here’s some advice for you – don’t stub your toe on a load of paint tins. Really hurts. Hobbled around for the rest of the day like a zombie from The Walking Dead. Not an incredibly sexy look. Not that there was anyone to see this.

I do hope that things don’t get too bad that I consider painting my bathroom ceiling to be the primary choice of a day! Should be doing more dynamic and important things!

Couldn’t face Mr Wicks today. His hair is really starting to annoy me. Novel Word Count – 433 still… did a bit of research though.

Saturday 28th March

Right, Joe Wicks might be on his last chance with me. He told us today to ‘Go for it!. I don’t think so Joe…. I think I’d rather eat cake sat on the sofa watching more of Murder She Wrote… I didn’t know that Mrs Fletcher ended up in New York teaching students about writing! Bye bye Cabot Cove, hello Crime Capital of the Country!

Went for my Daily Excursion To The Outside World and saw a friend of mine. We waved at a distance… Quite nice to be able to legitimately keep myself to myself rather than have to engage in pointless chit chat! This Lockdown stuff is an introverts dream scenario!

Novel Word Count – still 433…. losing interest slightly…

Sunday 29th March

Ok. I need to calm down a bit. I’m not going to learn yoga. It’s not going to happen. If I haven’t started to learn in all my years, I’m not going to do it now. So, let’s put that

down. Also, Joe Wicks can jump in the nearest large puddle. I can’t be doing with that, far too irritating! It’s all fine and well wanting to look like Joe Wicks but I simply do not have the desire and fortitude to get to that stage. And he’s irritating. Plus, I’m eating far too many biscuits to maintain such a svelte figure even if I get there. So, no, my abs will not be getting defined and yes, I will have a bit of a stomach. So ner! Also, the novel can wait. Too much pressure to try and get it done in one go. And the painting of a mural?! Really Jon? I don’t think so! A realistic goal is to paint the kitchen ceiling. It may not be glamorous but it does need doing. A mural does not.

I’ve done nothing today! Out of choice! Nothing at all! I had my walk, I ate some nice things, I watched some stuff I wanted to watch. And that was it. Lovely.

Monday 30th March

Aaaaand relax. Seem to have reached a good point within myself about all this lockdown stuff. Ultimately there’s nothing I can do about any of it so I just need to calm down. I don’t need to complete any projects, have any goals, or do any of that stuff. Not unless I want to. Right now, I need to look after myself, get out when I can and make sure I don’t run out of biscuits. I feel biscuits will be key to all of this. I’ve gotten out an old games console and have started playing through a couple of retro games, namely Wave Race and Mario Kart. Now, they are fun! Takes me back a couple of decades to beating my brother mercilessly at both of them!

The paint tins are still there… I’ve put them slightly out of the way but I will do a bit of touching up. Walls and ceilings will seemingly be the only thing I’m going to be touching up any time soon sadly! But, again, there’s nothing I can do about that.. I must control what I can control and hold the rest loosely.

I see that Joe Wicks has donated all the profits from the videos I was following to the NHS…. Does that mean I can’t find him utterly annoying any more?!

You can read more of Jon’s exciting life on his blog here: