The past couple of early morning waking dreamtime sessions have been blighted by my seeming inability to shake off the violence and anger of the content of the dreams. No matter what I tried I could not move my mind away from this disturbance boiling up within me. Within my conscious mind.
I fought as best I knew how too but although it eased up during the day it all returned as soon as I relaxed and tried to sleep or was in the process of waking up. They were there, my current demons. I could see no reason for them other than the bland excuse that I am under lockdown. I knew it wasn’t that. What was driving it I could not identify. Then on Thursday last I was trawling through some of the posts on my FB home page. I came across one of the innumerable posts about how Twisted Boris is handling the crisis. I read one of the comments and it all exploded in my mind. SPLAT!!
I took to the keyboard and from the top of my head wrote the following. It just poured out onto the page. This was at the root of all my anger and violence. I was unable, until that moment, to put it into words I could understand. Here within the space of three minutes unconscious typing I nailed it. The violence, anger and my impotence in being unable to control them have vanished. For the time being at least. I know there will be other times when it all erupts again within my mind. The next time however I will have enough self confidence in myself to allow it to work it’s way out, with my conscious help, to the stage where I can sit at the computer and allow the mind to direct the fingers to release the tensions building up within me. I’m happy with what I wrote so I have copied and pasted it here and on my FB timeline.
Michael James. I think it is time now, as we have more than enough evidence, to initiate a Class Action against the government for Ageist Extermination. The poor, the aged, the disabled, the homeless and so many others, have been cynically used in an experiment of mass extermination under the guise of saving the NHS. This is the very service they have over ten years of misrule run into the ground in order to eventually sell it off to private companies. Enough. This has to stop right now. They are playing with the fire of ‘Civil Disobedience’ in order to further tighten their stranglehold on the reins of power. Where are you Michael Mansfield QC when this country desperately needs the likes of you, your chambers and other like minded, to call out this murderous bunch of criminal thugs. To take them through the courts. If you need a name to jump start a Class Action against them then mine is Michael James. We could all contribute, including your selves who have more money than the most of us, to a Crowd Funded Prosecution. I’m crossing my fingers but not holding my breath.
That was it in one paragraph. I have breathed such a long sigh of relief. I have been able to get rid of it from my mind. I have slept and woken with much nicer sexy dreams. Oh! Drew Pritchard, give me any one of your three beautiful craftsmen for a couple of hours and I will die a very happy queen. I’ve taken a fancy to the skinny gaunt looking electrician and Gavin, the metal worker. Your woodsman is beautiful. I would not knock him back despite him being a bit too young for me. Dream on Michael. These three sexy men make up for all the negativity on TV and online these past few months. I doubt if I’m the only gay man to have looked with longing at their very brief appearances on Telly.
Art came over with a bottle of bathtub gin and 2 tonic waters. We had a nice walk on the prom and sat for a while watching all the knobs, balls, bollocks and unencumbered appendages go swinging past us at eye level. That is such a treat at my age. Thank goodness for my very dark glasses.
The approaching walkers and joggers cannot see what I am looking at. I can Varda in peace without being confronted by an angry man.
Oh by the way the Gimpy Gulls have at least one chick. I saw the pale shape of a chick, under whichever gull was doing the incubation at the time. I look forward to the next week when no doubt it or they will be on show more clearly. Welcome to this hard starving world my lovelies. Your parents have not seen a sign of a chip buttie or ice cream cone, let alone a piece of rock cake, all summer.
15.51pm Wednesday 3 June 2020
PHEW! I’m glad I’ve finally done that. I have just introduced the ‘Mother Of All Creation’ into book three. She has been there in the background since the first book but only now am I able to introduce her to myself, in print, on my computer. She now has a date and time to show she is my Big Bang aka The Mother of all Creation. Now she is here to stay I can take a little time off to deal with what is happening in my world and the greater world around me in my incarcerated state.
Trump? In my humble opinion is the greatest failed alpha male in modern history. Greater even than Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot put together. His monumental egoism overshadows everything he touches, not unlike Midas of old or the King who has no clothes in myth and fable. He is an ever unfolding planetary disaster, not simply waiting to happen but happening here in front of our very eyes. On the world stage as never before seen nor previously recorded. He is recorded of course. His every twitch and wince is recorded second by minute second. He is blinded by the self generated public image of ancient TV shows. He is the left hand of the fairground huckster. A Shadow puppeteer is fist fucking his every move. To be cast off like the poisoned rag that he has become, when the time is judged to be right. He fronts a huge bevy of rich, powerful and mainly unknown far right wing men. Those who have waited generations for their death star to rise and glower over our beautiful planet. He is not alone in his rancid beliefs. Far from it. To get as far as he has done, just shows how his deeply held beliefs of white supremacy is entangled within the American psyche.
He is supported by the gun lobby, evangelical churches, Wall Street CEO’s and corporate lawyers across the spectrum. He has to be supported by a large invisible contingent of the American forces hierarchy and the security services. All working clandestinely against the very Presidential system they pretend to uphold. I suspect there are similar situations ranging across the world. The sad predictable pendulum of left/right, church/state, rich/poor. Swings on a very threadbare strand. I feel I will see the start of the third world war but mercifully not its ferocity nor its outcomes. The outcomes which might well take centuries to clean up and eventually heal.
Incarceration has been good for me. It has enabled me to view and prospect the depths of my mind, my imaginations.
All of my life I have been plagued with thoughts many people would have found unacceptable to the point of driving themselves to suicide. Suicide has drifted aimlessly and unacknowledged as a route to personal salvation. A route with no road or positive destination in my case. I have fought alone most of the time. The times I fought together with my brothers and sisters were times of upheaval like but very unlike these. In the early 70’s with GLF and the 80’s/90’s during the HIV/AIDS crisis. These now are potentially terminal times. Whatever happened to the Age of Aquarius?
During this period of incarceration I seem to have found my voice. I have blossomed from being the pessimistic Casandra type seer, into this self confident lumpy dumpling who is not afraid to say what is going through his mind. Come What May. I feel I have the absolute right to call people out if I feel they are doing the wrong thing. Therefore I have no fear in publicly calling out Trump, Johnson and others. I am not the person doing the wrong things here. I am not righteous or self righteous. I am a fearful soul. One of many millions of fearful souls who can see our beautiful world being trashed and raped before our eyes. I can stand alone now confident that I know the difference between right and wrong. Your deeds are done with the whole dark panoply of the far right mindset behind you. Backing your every move. NOT IN MY NAME THOUGH.
I can now see through the murky mirrors you hide behind. Your one Trump card, that of being the ‘Nameless Fear,’ has been spotlit on the world stage. Hopefully you and others like you will be rendered useless like the Vampires in scary ghost stories. Like Shakespeare’s ‘Damed Spot’ you will be ousted.
I live confidently in hope.
These are the personal views of the writer Micheal James and not Gscene