The Brits – Time for a rethink?

Now that the Brits has found a permanent home on the advertisement drenched ITV, there isn’t anything here that BBC bosses won’t be delighted with.

After this shambles one can only imagine the high fiving and champagne popping hilarity that would have been echoing in the halls of Media City last night – if they had halls that is. Media City is a little like a Conran designed overblown kitchen; I’m surprised anybody gets any work done. They do but it all winds up on BBC 3.

You may be relieved to hear this is (by choice) James Corden’s final hosting of The Brits. Whilst there is much to commend in the acting career of Mr. Corden his slapstick comedy friend to the stars routine is not one of them. With visual and verbal gags alike falling as flat as the career of an X-factor winner I found myself longing for the accidental but organic hilarity of Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood. They were terrible but at least they didn’t have to try so hard.

To be fair there was pretty much something for everyone. David Bowie did win in the category of Best British Male and with guest presenting spots from Kylie Minogue and Prince, and the best performance of the night from Pharrell & Nile Rogers the over forties were more than catered for (tick).

Musical diversity however was less present with an opening from Arctic Monkeys the only opportunity to sample what we could reasonably describe as Rock n Roll. An observation which was not lost on the band themselves whose acceptance speech for ‘Album of the year’ gave us the second, and one of only two, Rock ‘n’ Roll moments of the evening. Radio 1 DJ Jameela Jamil immediately taking to twitter to decry Alex Turners microphone dropping speech, but one suspects she’s auditioning for the breakfast show or Capital Radio.

Arctic Monkeys aside the best performances of the evening were from Nile Rogers & Pharrell and human Duracell bunny Bruno Mars. Record producers please note, whether Rock ‘n’ Roll or a contemporary twist on Disco Funk these are styles very much rooted in the past and were the live moments of the night.

The forgettable wasteland of the remaining performances bounced along to a soundtrack we could just about tolerate in a BodyPumpClass, but in my living room on a Wednesday? No thank you. Beyoncé whilst a staggering vocalist and demonstrating to all female nominees the meaning of the phrase ‘singer’, appeared to be dressed for a evening guest spot on The Concordia, and as for her hair-piece you can find a more sophisticated acrylic in a nail technicians boutique up the London Road.

Generally, performers and presenters alike appeared to be unaware that we are in the middle of London Fashion week, or perhaps all the best frocks were taken. Katy Perry looked like a cross between a 1980s luminous trainer sock and a leg warmer and Kylie Minogue appeared to be channelling fetish club boutique with a Victorian accessorised twist. Lily ‘John Lewis’ Allen and Ferne Cotton please note, luminous voil was last seen worn by Sarah Brightman singing I List My Heart To a Starship Trooper in 1978 and Lily, please stop the “I’m gormless and don’t know who I am” routine. It is a routine right?

One Direction continued to look as surprised as we are at their global shift of music units and were awarded two token gongs to celebrate One Direction being One Direction. The only saving grace of the evening was that they were denied British Single of the year for their sacrilegious cement mixing version of a Blondie classic. One can only hope that their next comic relief single is a dupstep take on Joe Dolce’s Shaddap Your Face.

Scotland and the quest for Independence managed to be a hot topic and judging by the responses on twitter our north of the border fellows are mortally offended. Pharrell took to the stage not once but twice to roar into his microphone “Hello England” – this was after all The Brit Awards. And David Bowie sent a pre-prepared message of thanks for his award which was read out by Kate Moss, asking Scotland to ‘Stay With Us’. However, every day’s a school day and I’m surely not to be alone in my surprise to discover than not only can Kate Moss speak, she reads and both at the same time.

There were the usual hangers on of course and Tom Daley who appears to be now coming out at any available opportunity appeared one glass of champagne away from making a fool of himself with one or perhaps both members of Rizzle Kicks. Who knows if he drank enough he find himself right about now coming to chained to a radiator in Boy George’s caravan – but I jest, that of course would make the evening a little too interesting.

It’s time for a rethink. Brit awards – Turn it up / where is the racket?