shouting-about-homosexuals- being-abused-in-some- Godforsaken-foreign-country. But ‘Pride’ is so inclusive. Gay, straight, left, right, up, down – you’re all welcome! The great thing about calling it ‘Pride’ is that it’s practically meaningless. And if it means nothing you’re not going to upset anyone – what could be a higher purpose than that?

“So little money actually goes to worthy causes; in 2007 it was less than four per cent.” The whole point of the day is for large quantities of liquor and drugs to be consumed in broad daylight. I mean, what do people think Pride is? A charity?

“Which simpleton decides the themes of Pride?” Here the naysayers may have a point. Pride themes, typically Heroes and Villains, Ancient Egypt, and this year’s Pride Beside the Seaside, tend to sound like primary school pageants. As gays we’re traditionally supposed to be creative, intellectually challenging, playful, ironic and controversial. But after a whole year the best we can come up with is Pride Beside the Seaside (the more times you say it the more childish and stupid it sounds). My chosen themes would be something along the lines of Gay! Gay! Gay! or Homo-cide: Gay Murderers Through the Ages; or Bitchfight: Liza vs Babszilla (though this one is still in the early stages of development).

Anyway, here’s hoping you all have a happy and safe Pride. Just remember that every second you don’t pointlessly blow a whistle as loudly as possible, the little baby Jesus sets fire to a puppy.