Well, I don’t really know where to start with this book about ‘Mark Julian’; a gay Vampire Private Detective, but there’s obviously a market for this stuff as this is the fourth in a popular series.  The plot, which is a kind of pot noodle metaplot concerning the eponymous gay bloodsucking detective, ex-roman nobleman, who is in a long term monogamous relationship with his non-vampire, but hot and cute, New Yorker boyfriend, who’s Italian mothers albino Labrador has it’s heart ritually town out by a senile witch who is married to a SS officer, also a vampire, who is working –undercover-  for the leader of the vampires (the ex-leader of the Spanish Inquisition no less)  who is trying to stop the outbreak of a supernatural war between the werewolves and the vampires, as the werewolf prince has got himself kidnapped by the (above mentioned) senile witch and vampire SS officer with the intention of sacrificing him in a rebuilt Nazi Shrine (with hideous interior decoration), in upper state New York, his death allowing real evil – as if this plot isn't enough- to enter the world and unleash hell. Phew, what no midget aliens quoting Pinter?

Hmm where to start? I bailed out in the first episode of Buffy so never got bitten by the vampire bug.  Anne Rice built her crepuscular cult pseudo-gay bloodsuckers without me. Legions of fans love the lightweight Twilight series and this is a gay version of that, and just as cute, non offensive and heavily romantic. This reads like an zombia Barbra Cartlands’ written a Film Noir version of Dante’s Cove.  It’s not going to tax your brain, nor being quite a short story will it tax your arm muscles, although £12.99 is a bit steep for a paperback.  I enjoyed the musing of the immortal characters about being in love with a non immortal, who would age whilst you stayed young (we feel your pain Madonna) and the idea of Vampire’s spreading disinformation via Bram Stoker, I didn’t enjoy the wooden dialogue, clichéd characters and curly wurly plot.

Oh did I mention that there’s lots of slightly off-page sex and some on-page gentle nookie too, mostly described in a coy, almost euphemistic way. A gender changing sex-demon who fucks anything, an exciting car chase, and a pair of comedy old ladies who walk on an off and talk about marrying their sons off – to each other! I suppose what I’m saying here is that if you love this, you’re already getting hot and slippery at the idea of rushing out to get this next instalment in Kyle Cicero’s thrilling (un-dead) life of this most handsome and rugged of Vampire P.I’s or you’re sharpening a stake and setting off to find the author to put a stop to this unspeakable rubbish before it’s too late.

p.s. it is too late! The next series of Dante’s Cove  is out now too! Enjoy.

Out Now £12.99
From the publishers website: